Friday, March 29, 2013

I'd do it all again

"I'd do it all again, Mom."

Those where the words that's spilled out from my stubborn, fiery, precious, eyes watering 10 year old boy.

It'd been a great day. One with nothing out of the ordinary. Normal. Safe. Good. Productive.

Even dinner went well. Which involved a piece of beef and for the afore mentioned child that is not a pleasant meal. He'd rather have one filled with his precious carbs and carbs alone. He never minds some veggies thrown in the mix either. Yet, we made it through without food drama. Then the question was asked if he could spend time with daddy. Of course.....

But remember those pages of Science and English that lie untouched. Put off. Undone.

"Really Mom? Do I have to do that?" came spilling out without a thought.

So, here it was - the moment. The môment that I had to chose. Let it go. No.
Responsibility is a lesson far greater than what lay ahead in the 2 subjects staring back at him.

But here was the question.....why didn't I see that I was ready to be done with school for the day?!
That we all were ready to be done with school for the day.

After this many years I should have seen the signs and let him go peacefully and joyfully with his dad and sister.  But I didn't. Why? Because then he'd think that he didn't have to do it tomorrow or the day after that.

Is that true....

No. It was about me controlling the situation. It needed to get done so, by golly, he was gonna do it.
Oh Mandy.....(yes, this could lead right into a song)

So we sat. He figitted. I stewed.  No one won.  He got it done. It wasn't a big deal. He really didn't even complain much about it. However, we both had an edge to us as we sat there. He said he'd never get it done.  I said that was silliness. He was getting it done. And then he said the thing that took my mommy heart and torn it right up.

"Well, at least you won't have to deal with me tomorrow."

There my heart lay.  Smashed wide open.  Beating yet bleeding out on the floor right in front of us.

Tears stung my eyes as I realized that I'd made him feel this way. Like my day would be better off without him.  How could I have been so careless?  We sat in silence for a few moments. He was hurting and knew he'd hurt me which made him hurt more.

(Flashback to the day after his surgery. Yet the written words could be used for a variety of life's events.)
I said that this silly ol' schoolwork doesn't matter at all to me! It wasn't about the schoolwork. It was about obeying with a good attitude even if you don't want to.  He nodded that he'd understood. Then I said that I knew getting back into the groove after having two weeks off for his tonsilectomy was a challenge.  In trying to show him my love, I said that I had absolutely adored and cherished the time that we'd spent laying in bed together....just being with each other.  To that he said with wet eyes,

"I'd do the surgery again to just have that time with you."

There his heart lay. Raw and open for me, his mama, to see. He loved that time together as much as I did. Saying it healed both of our hearts a bit...well, a lot I believe. We both share some of the same stubbornness. The tendency to fight for what we believe in (or simply what we want at the moment). I know that. He knows that.

Does he remember how much pain he was in? The 11 pounds weight lose because nothing sounded good and every bite hurt? The 8 day fever that just wouldn't go away? Here he was saying he'd go through it all again to spend quality time with me, his mama. Now that's the way to bring it all back into perspective. It's about relationships!

That made me think of Jesus and the sacrifice that He made for me. For you. As painful as the crucifixion was, He would do it all over! Why?! Just to be with me. Just to be with you. Why?! Because He wants a relationship with each of us....and to do that He had to endure the pain and sins of the entire world.

And He'd do it all again.....